If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this
may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are
from the days when "Hollywood Squares" game show responses were
spontaneous and clever, not scripted and (often) dull, as they are now.
Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions,
of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads
under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump,
at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking
should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as
5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way
sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep.
Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me
awake.
Q. According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at
a party and you think that he is
attractive, is it okay to come out and
ask him if he's married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.
Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish
as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three
words to say "I Love You"?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a
pineapple and a twenty.
Q. What are "Do It," "I Can Help," and "I Can't
Get Enough"?
A. George Gobel: I don't know, but it's coming
from the next apartment.
Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture
more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old
question Peter, and I'll give you a gesture
you'll never forget.
Q. Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A. Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
Q. Charley, you've just decided to grow
strawberries. Are you going to get any
during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I'm too busy
growing strawberries.
Q. In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two
subjects at nudist camps. One is politics,
what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the
bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I'm always
safe in the bedroom.
Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag
his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?
Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what
would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never
be afraid of the dark.
Q. According to Ann Landers, is their anything
wrong with getting into the habit of
kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.
Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of
your body, what is it?
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it
certainly isn't neglected.
Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put
horseradish on his head, what was he trying
to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of
time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible
for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car,
the rest is up to him.
Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he
firmly believes in them and has actually
seen them on at least two occasions. What
are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet
Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things
you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and Laugh
Off topic--a little light humor
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Tairaterces
- Grade III Winner
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Thanks Michael . . . .
A good laugh is a great way to start a Friday morning. Paul Lynde and Charley Weaver were my favorites.
Tairaterces
A good laugh is a great way to start a Friday morning. Paul Lynde and Charley Weaver were my favorites.
Tairaterces
"and Secretariat let no one down on the unforgettable afternoon of June 9, 1973, when he ran a hole in the wind"
~Bob Ehalt~
Avatar: Istabraq (Sadler's Wells x Betty's Secret by Secretariat) Champion Hurdler
~Bob Ehalt~
Avatar: Istabraq (Sadler's Wells x Betty's Secret by Secretariat) Champion Hurdler
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chiggins6
- Allowance Winner
- Posts: 363
- Joined: Fri Sep 17, 2004 7:00 am
- Location: Woods Hole, Cape Cod, MA
Michael, this was great. Real good one.
I'll give you one was sent to me. Maybe some have heard it before, but it gave me a laugh.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
I'll give you one was sent to me. Maybe some have heard it before, but it gave me a laugh.
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?.... What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden, but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen, lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous, intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT....make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot, knowing the answer the witch gave Arthur to his question, said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now....what is the moral to this story?
The moral is.....
If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.
Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket!
Somewhere Geoffery Chaucer is calling his lawyer. Just kidding folks, They didn't have copyright law back then.
Madame Eglantine begat The Palmer, The Palmer begat Pilgrimage, Pilgrimage begat Canterbury Pilgrim, Canterbury Pilgrim begat Chaucer, Swynford, and Harry of Hereford, the 2nd damsire of War Admiral. (See horses combining WA, Mahmoud, and Hyperion). For instance Close Control, 2nd dam of Doneraile Court. And Main Swap, 4th dam of Ruler's Court.
Madame Eglantine begat The Palmer, The Palmer begat Pilgrimage, Pilgrimage begat Canterbury Pilgrim, Canterbury Pilgrim begat Chaucer, Swynford, and Harry of Hereford, the 2nd damsire of War Admiral. (See horses combining WA, Mahmoud, and Hyperion). For instance Close Control, 2nd dam of Doneraile Court. And Main Swap, 4th dam of Ruler's Court.